Sunday, April 23, 2006
hmm this is my 200th post! just noticed when i got to the blogger dashboard.. cool. kinda little though.. definitely can't compare to my livejournal days when i used to blog daily, maybe twice or thrice a day too. *shrug* what can i do. being a stay-in personnel sucks. okay enough army bitching for now.
feeling really empty these days. not sure if this has been a recent development, as it feels more like an undercurrent of emotion that i've been ignoring/distracted from. its very easy to be distracted, especially when your'e in camp. because pretty much everything is planned out, and a day passes quite quickly. even if it doesnt pass quickly, you find something to do to occupy your mind and thus 'dis-occupy' your heart, so to speak. infact its only when you find yourself at home with nothing to do except think, thats when it hits you. and each blow gets heavier than the next; numbness only signals complete collapse.
*breath out* well. harping on about it ain't gonna do much good either. so lets move on to the positive. positive number one! after a rather emotional draining weekend, headed over to joy's place on sat night for a class gathering (one i've been anticipating all week... well it was only planned a week in advance heh). which turned out to be more of a guy gathering.. haha. but met some new people (hi hannah, david and william!) and had a pretty good dinner/fellowship too. learnt how to play texas hold'em (or whatever its called lah haha, just a variation of poker) and found out what it was like to win with everything on the line hehe. and i found out that it only takes me like 2-3 minutes to cycle to joy's house instead of the 7-10 minutes it takes to walk. funn :D
would upload pics.. but i didnt take many haha. and besides my damn pc can't detect my phone. not sure if its a software or hardware problem, but i suspect that the usb cable i have ain't working too well. bleah sony. i need a laptop with bluetooth next time, that will simplify things a lot. i just love the wireless world.
i think i havent gone for supper at holland village for a month now. or could be 2 months, or 3. just feels like forever. so much for class tradition.
i say dont you know. you say you dont know. i say... take me out!
or so it seems, at 8:12 PM
Friday, April 21, 2006
a lot of things on mind, and one more i fail to find the words to express myself. this is a continuing trend that will without doubt one day consume me in totality, by which time the stymied and suppressed emotions buried in my heart will have caused me to overflow with nonsensical ramblings and unchecked tirades, most likely resulting in me receiving many disturbed glances and end up with me being friendless. the eventuality of such can only be delayed by the various pretentions and diversions generally accepted within this society of superficiality, whereby we are judged by widely accepted social standards and etiquette, rather than by the uniqueness of human behaivour. who we are.
having now disclosed a part of my current thought-train, it portends that i should now go ahead with a nonsensical ramble or an unchecked tirade. however, thats where your'e wrong, and i stand corrected. after all, what are words but mere veneers of the raw emotion clawing for breath, seeking a means of escape and expression? as such a legthy soliloquy will have no effect other than to make me, simply speaking, look like a fool. the inability to convey the purity of ones emotions thus makes this post pointless. but therein lies the answer to the question 'what are words?'. the pointlessness of it all gives it a purpose, allowing us to have the tiniest of glimpse into the feelings of a man, and in offering such a view, even if a minute one, words thus fufill their twin-fold purpose. catharsis to the one who offers himself, and satisfaction to the curiousity of the one looking in.
who am i then? a 2000 word essay would probably fail to give me the smallest of justice, as i expect it would fail to give anybody his proper due. how then, to answer the question that has confounded me for 20 years? are we defined by the things we say and do? or should we be seen for the inner workings of our soul, to which we alone are is privy to? i dont have the answers. but one thing is for certain . reading this makes you want to read on, doesnt it. to examine yourself, to attempt to pinpoint the core of your own being. well. save yourself the time. i've tried, and it doesnt work. it never will. i think that we will only truly find ourselves when we've reached the end of the road, when we're able to understand the whole reason for our journey in life. when we lie on our deathbed, like everybody having lived a lifetime, thats when we'll know. we'll be able to understand, even more than just our purpose here, just what everything meant. why things happened the way they did. why we lived.
At least, i hope thats what my granddad was able to find.
or so it seems, at 10:12 AM
Your true color is Yellow!
You're
yellow, the color of joy and energy - two things you definitely bring to everyone around you. It's hard for anyone to be sad or lonely in your presence; your sunny disposition and cheery outlook just won't allow it. The warmth of your personality shines through in the kindness you show friends and family (and strangers, too). Always ready with a lighthearted joke or heartfelt compliment, you know how to make people feel good about themselves, so they can't get enough of you. Yellow is a warm and inviting color for a warm and inviting person - you!
What's Your True Color?just find it really ironic, considering the current mood i'm in/been in for awhile.
or so it seems, at 12:11 AM
Monday, April 17, 2006
whats in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.on a shakespearean kick now... this is what happens when your'e bored at home. or maybe its because i love shakespeare =D
just caught romeo and juliet for the dunnohowmanyeth time.. and it still rocks. when leonardo di caprio was still cute. when claire danes was undeniably pretty. wait.. she still is undeniably pretty =) good shows will always be watchable to me... no matter how many times i've seen it. it always helps that i forget stuff easily, and each time i catch a show again it still has something new for me. hahaha =p
lately i've been thinking about discontinuing this blog.. or making one that isnt personal, one that preys on issues and current affairs, on all things in this world except the one that concerns me. but is that still blogging? somewhere along the way i lost my purpose.. to me this blog has become quite stale and flat. still i pursue it for no reason other than something to pass my time.. thinking that perhaps in doing so i might reveal some new purpose to me, my original purpose seemingly lost in transition. for some strange reason.. blogging held more sense to me when my posts were depressive and dark, full of despair and disappointments. its not that those feelings have been lost to me. but more that.. i just cant be bothered. whenever i start blogging i get distracted easily, i lose my train of thought or i just feel incredibly silly. and delete everything.
again i've run out of steam. everything is so meaningless these days. like, whats the point? living means nothing without death. but death those not make living any more worthwhile on its own.
thus the lassitude.
or so it seems, at 6:35 PM
Saturday, April 15, 2006
this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years
yawns having a realllly slow, but really long weekend. guess its both good and bad, but spending my 4 day weekend at home is sure a waste of time.
thats what everything has been lately. a big fucking waste of time.
like, why do i go through all the trouble? beats me. im not sure whether its that i dont have the energy anymore, whether somewhere along the past months something just gave in, whether my outlook on life has changed. or maybe, for once in my life, i just cant be bothered anymore. all pretentions cast aside, this is me. straight up, in your face. spare all the niceties, all the perfunctory blahblahs.
yup. and thats all i have to say about that. why?
because i stopped giving a damn.
can't really make me feel any less alone
i'm reaching for the phone
or so it seems, at 9:31 PM
Sunday, April 09, 2006
shits! never ever do a blog skin last minute... like now, for example. gotta book in in an hours time and i havent even bathed :p
so... its uncomplete. just like my normal sunday post, which i'll now rush through.
pretty much normal week, with 'intense' physical training, which ain't so bad lah heh. then on friday went to sentosa for battery outing... was real fun heh. even though some of the things (like telematches) were kinda silly... was still fun lah heh. guy fun always rocks (no brokeback mountain though, pls :p)
okae then had a good dinner on sat with clara... phin's steakhouse is quite nice =)
and now is book in. zz wish i could watch arsenal and man u. and chelsea won damn.
or so it seems, at 10:06 PM
Sunday, April 02, 2006
so finally the month of march has come to an end... with a very very long and slow weekend. somehow those 3-day weekends have the most inertia :S haha paiseh to the guys who caught dinner at sam's and then mirrormask at ben's on friday... got me at a bad weekend.. excuses aside... just didnt have it in me to get out of the house =p
so... pretty much spent thursday/friday/saturday at home... heh. got hooked onto civ4 though... haha its damn fun to build your own empire! to discover religions, build wonders... CRUSH THE ENEMY MUAHAHA. although most of the time i'm the one getting crushed.. haha gotta figure out the dynamics of the game =) yah... games aside, didnt do much else at home heh. gonna be a busy week ahead though.. expecting lots of physical training this week, what with SOC and all... at least i'm THIS much closer to ORD though, with acct out of the way =D by june.. clear sailing baby. even better when i get my license teehee.
but... this driving thing has been haunting me. sigh. its like a dark cloud tts following me everywhere... driving driving driving. argh!! i hate tests above all things :p oh wells.
haha yah tt kinda somes up whats going now in my brain... its all muddled. can't get focused on any one topic.. wragh! what a dumb pointless entry.
and so ends the month of march.
or so it seems, at 8:06 PM
